the hours and days afters Sam's birth all I could think in my selfishness was how this would affect my plans..my life...my hopes and dreams that I had for our son...what now? would I still get to watch his kindergarten graduation..walk him to his 1st day of grade school...go to his band concerts or baseball games...watch as he goes on a date for the 1st time...what about marriage and my future grandkids? What have I done to deserve this? Is this my punishment? What is God trying to do to me? As I looked down the barrel of open heart surgery and a life time of cardiology appointments...speech therapy...physical therapy...all these questions circled in my head. When would he say mamma? Would he recognize us...How much will he understand? I cried so much that I thought I was going to run out of tears. I yelled and begged God to change it...I know what I prayed for and this wasn't it!!!!!!! Or was it?
As I watch my son now playing in his excersaucer and babbling at me and saying mamma, I wish that I could go back to the beginning of his life and celebrate. I was and still can be so selfish in my thinking. He has exceeded not only my expectations but everyone elses including the doctors. On my worse day he can make it better with one of his super smiles...He is like any other boy: energetic, mischievious , loving, grumpy, curious...all these wonderful things that I was not sure he would be. He is our miracle baby. He has taught me about patience and perserverence and hope and God's never ending love. I still don't know what the future holds, but I trust that it will be all good...We are 3months past his open heart surgery and he is doing well. I simply take it one day at a time and thank God for my gift not my punishment.
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