Letting Go

I have always been ,for the most part, a pretty laid back person...never one to "make plans"..not really much of an "organizer"... I have also been know for my daredevil mentality...to some degree...I can remember as a kid..just wanting to grow up. I couldn't wait until I could ride a bike by myself or spend the night away from home or drive...that last one has given my mom all of her gray hair and has taken the hair right off my dad!!!! Fortunately my driving has greatly improved... I have had my share of scrapes and bruises and even stitches, thankfully no broken bones, that I know of.....I'm sure that I have caused my parents some sleepless nights and lots of worry.....
       I always thought that when I became a parent that I would be pretty mellow...I wouldn't get stressed out over the little things...like deciding whether or not to breast feed...if it happened so be it if not so be it....I would not get caught up in any "fads" or read any child rearing books....that sort of thing....just go with the flow....That was the plan, but as we all know plans change...There is a saying out there that goes..If you want to make God laugh then tell Him your plans.
       From the minute Sam came into the world I have been in a constant state of worry..They took my baby from me as soon as he was born and I saw him in an incubator right before they transported him to Sibley. The next time I saw him was in the CICU with wires and tubes everywhere. I spent my days and nights with him...sitting by his bed...praying over him...crying...wondering what his future would be....I was taught how to care for him . I went to all the classes and learned that he was at a high risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and it was right at the start of RSV and flu season. I was terrorfied. We brought him and he was so fragile. I had hand sanitizer everywhere and I would stay up at night just to watch his chest rise and fall. Taking him to the Dr appts brought a whole new set of worries...I became a different person..suddenly organized and a huge germaphobe..I wanted to put him in a big bubble ...The first time that I had to leave him with my husband was a nightmare for me..even though he's Sam's dad I can't say that I trusted him, but he did fine and they got into their own rhythm.
       Now months after heart surgery Sam is doing so well...He has become a very energetic,curious, strong willed little boy, but I have trouble letting go...I have trouble letting him explore on his own...I am always waiting from the other shoe to drop...I also still have trust issues when it comes to letting his daddy watch him on the weekends...I don't think anyone can take care of him as well as me, but that's not true...it may not be the same..but his daddy loves him just as much as me and had his own way of doing things....Today, for instance, George took Sam out in the jogging stroller for the 1st time...I was so nervous and a little sick to my stomach...I am so afaid that something is going to happen...I live in fear that at any moment God will take him from me, but that's no way to live...not for me or for Sam..and he needs his father as well as his mother. There are certain things that he can't learn or get from me. There are things that only his father can teach him. George said that he kicked his feet and squeeled the whole time as George was running and pushing him in the stroller...I can just see him with the wind in his face and all the trees wizzing by....I have to let go...I never thought that it would be this hard..amost painful...and it probably won't get any easier, but Jer 29:11 is what I try to hold onto for Sam....God has great plans for his life...and  we might have some scrapes and bruises along the way, but it's all good....I will try not to hold on too tightly.