Defiant Day...s

My sweet little angel has turned an ugly corner!!  He has had his first defiant day...I am in shock..I wonder if it's too late to get my money back...Yesterday was his 1 year photo session. I have had this booked for about 2months. I scheduled it around his meal time and nap time. I took special care to pick that tiny window when he would be neither sleepy nor hungry. Unfortunately he veered from routine!!! He changed the plan!!! George had taken his lunch break to come home so we could do these pictures. Everyone was showered and looking pretty.  Sam was inside in his jumperoo, playing, smiling. I thought, "we are going to get some good photos today." I should not have jinxed myself. As soon as we got outside we couldn't get Sam to look up or to smile or to cooperate in any shape,form, or fashion!!! My sweet angel's horns came out and he suddenly got fussy and tired. How dare he!!!! This was not his scheduled time to be tired!!! Needless to say I had to reschedule .....for November....I guess we will just pray that he feels like getting his picture made on this day. After the photographer left I thought that my little man would surely go down for a nap. This was not to be this case. He was up until later on that night. Rotten...Rotten...Rotten...
     Today my sweet little bundle of sunshine once again veered from routine by not taking a nap until later on this afternoon. I try on Wednesdays to make sure he has a nap before the physical therapist comes out, but that did not happen today so it was only a 30 minute session instead of the hour he usually gets...Another defiant day...Of course as soon as she left he fell out right when he was supposed to be eating. He is throwing my schedule off completely. Does he not realize this? So as I am typing this I hear him waking up. I had him sleeping for another 30 minutes, but obviously that will not be happening!!! I am going to have to go have a talk with him and straighten this matter out... I let you know how it goes.

And Sarah Laughed.....

I am on a mission. I have decided to read the entire bible cover to cover...now before you applaud me and give me some, " You go girls". hear me out. It seems like lately I have just had some questions that I desperately need answers to and I have been getting frustrated because God seems silent lately, but then it hit me...He left me His word and it supposedly has everything I need so .......I am on a mission to get my questions answered and so far so good...I am now in the middle of Genesis learning all about Abraham and his whole family...I did the whole creation bit and the Adam and Eve stuff.....then moved right on into the Noah bit with the Great Flood and all. I never really noticed how much patience God had over the years with people. It's true that he hates sin and he does punish for sure, but not before he gives us multiple chances to change.
       I was reading in Genesis 18 and the story of Abraham and Sarah caught my eye. You see I am notorious for asking God for something and then getting impatient and trying to go ahead and impose my will onto the situation instead of waiting for God's perfect will. When will I learn? His will always wins out in the end, but I usually have some unnecessary battle scars and frustrations.  Sarah was the same way, even though she was told by God that her old behind was going to bare a child, she didn't think it was actually going to come from her. She went ahead and gave her servant Hagar the go ahead to get it on with Abraham and ...BOOM...along came Ishmael and that was a whole different set of troubles..The thing is when God told her this....she laughed.....she couldn't believe that He could bless a 99yr old woman with a child and frankly she wasn't alone...know what I mean...I can so relate because as the words are leaving my mouth when I'm asking God for something I am totally not believing it can be done. God speaks and throws out these pearls....Gen 18:14 IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR THE LORD?..I think this is rhetorical...because clearly He's making a statement....I don't know about anybody else but I totally needed that reminder. I am so limited in my finite thinking, but I serve an infinite God....Just remember that the next you are tempted to laugh at something you've asked God for because you think that it's impossible....look at Sarah...Granny even ended up breast feeding Isaac if you dare to imagine that!!!!! You go girl......

From where I'm standing

I can't believe it has been a whole year since my little tornado came into the world. He is still giving us a run for our money and putting many gray hairs...on my husband's head (not mine).  He is 17lbs 10oz and almost 29inches long. He is saying ma ma and da da and making the b sounds and just babbling up a storm. He is stubborn and oppinionated...go figure..and is trying his hardest to crawl. He is super curious and tries to grab anything that gets within his clutches especially the dog!!! He makes the best faces and has the sweetest laugh I have ever heard...it's hard to believe that this is the same baby that lay almost lifeless in the CICU a year ago. The same baby that we prayed over day and night not knowing if he was going to make it to the next day. I spent most of those early days crying to God and then yelling at Him...but here we are 1 year later. I still have my moments..especially when I'm tired..when I wonder about the future and I get overwhelmed by the present and I can't see past my tears, but I just keep believing that God is...and He has a plan for Samuel.....I mean, after all, I had 2 prior miscarriages before Sam and he's the one that hung in there so he is definitely supposed to be here and I don't know what the next day will bring let alone the next year...but I am hoping it will be an awesome one...Right now it looks pretty good from where I'm standing.

Joy Comes in The Mourning

I'm going to tell you a story that I've only told one other person. Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself first so you might understand why I've been reluctant to share this.  I am not the kind of person that believes in ghosts, I don't think that there are ufo's , and I believe if you're hearing voices you might want to check yourself in somewhere with padded walls. I also tend to roll my eyes when people start there sentence with, " God was talking to me today." ....I know....but  that's just how I am...with so many "false prophets" out there...I tend to be cautious with a side of suspicion...I am a "doubting Thomas" I probably would have asked Jesus to show the scars as well....I'm not proud of it, but that's the truth..and I'm sure like Peter I might have been inclined to deny Christ out of fear ...again, not proud of it...just saying... I just want to paint you a clear picture before I tell you a story that, even today, makes me slightly uncomfortable but here it goes....
       When Samuel was born, as I have metioned before, he spent the 1st month of his life at Sibley heart Center. There are 2 main units that Sibley uses for their cardiac patients. One is the CICU or the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and the Step Down. The latter of the 2 is used to prepare you to go home, so when you get sent to the Step Down it's an exciting day because, unlike the CICU, you can stay with your child. Samuel ended up in the CICU 3 or 4 different times...my memory is a little off...anyway my point is there were sometimes throughout that month where he took 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It was an emotional rollercoaster. When he was in the CICU our days were as follows....I would get up in the morning and call his nurse and check in after rounds, then I would usually throw on some clothes and my ever trusty hat and head out...George would come up after work and we would stay until about 11pm and head home and this would get repeated.
        On this particular morning Samuel was back in the CICU for the 3rd or 4th time after having had his G-tube surgery. They had just extabated(taken the breathing tube out) him the night before and he was on oxygen and they were weaning him off. I had not slept well the night before and was just about to call when the phone rang at 6am. It was his nurse and she said, "Mrs Van Winkle we have had a little set back with Sam and have had to put him on some high flow oxygen because he's not wanting to breathe like he needs to. I then hung up the phone and felt my heart sink into my stomach and I just began to sob. My husband woke up and I told him what happened and I'm sure that at that moment he felt completely helpless.. I felt so broken and so kicked in the gut. I wondered if God was even listening to me..After George headed to work, I dragged myself out of bed and began my normal routine of just throwing something on and heading out. As I started to turn the knob on the bedroom door I heard a voice as clear as if someone was standing in front of me...The voice said, " Take a shower."....Kid you not....I stood there in silence and then I said...excuse me?? again ....,"Take a shower.." Now you have to know that there have been very few times in my life where I have immediately done what I believe to be God asking me to do. Usually He allows me to fall repeatedly before I actually ...eventually do what he asked me in the first place, but on this particular day..at this particular moment , I acted without hesitation and I got in the shower... I was, however, wondering...much like Gideon...what was the point? As I was taking a shower I heard the voice again, " I want you to got to the hospital without looking defeated!!!!!now get dressed.....I couldn't believe it..but I knew that this was God and this was what I needed to do on this particular day at this particular moment I was like Peter on the water, but I didn't look away from God..I fixed my gaze and moved forward...I pulled out all the stops..I fixed my hair and did my make-up and put on some nice jeans and I even broke out my diamond!!!! Oh yes...I left the ball cap in the closet and headed out...I felt like Gideon in the wine barrel...when God said, "Come out you great and mighty warrior." Today...I was a warrior and with head held high, hair fixed, diamond in place I made my way to the hospital....I got a phone call on the way  there from the nurse in the CICU..she said, Mrs Van Winkle we are transfering Sam to the Step-down unit...I said, " Can he go on high flow oxygen?" She said, "Mrs Van Winkle...he's not on oxygen anymore..he turned around...he started breathing normally on his own!!!! I hung up the phone and began to cry....It was a simple act of obedience and I didn't understand why ...but God knew the whole time.....Is 65:24 (Before they call I will answer while they are still speaking I will hear)
      Sam is celebrating his 1st birthday tomorrow Sept 11th ...I am so amazed how far he has come, but I know without any doubt that God has been with him the whole journey and will continue to be no matter what lies ahead...I will fix my gaze and move forward.....

You were wanted and You are loved

Growing up we didn't always have what we wanted but we always had what we needed. Of course I will always hold a grudge for not being allowed to have "hammer" pants...but let's move on. My parents both worked hard and did the best they could with what they had. The one thing that was never in question was whether or not I was loved not just because I was told on a daily basis, but by my parents actions. They raised us is a loving, Christian home. My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but who is...They were so uncool to me back then..especially with all the questioning they did...where are you going? who is going to be there? When will you be back? Is there a parent in charge? followed by ..., " Leave us a number where we can reach you." Now, looking back, I realized they cared enough to ask the right questions. They new who our friends were and they had  a list of numbers...They watched my softball games and came to my band concerts and musicals. They helped with homework when they could. There were the late night basketball games with my dad and the walks in the woods. The car trips to Florida and the camp outs on the trampoline....and of course my favorite, opening the door and sitting in front of the open screen to watch it rain. ...I understand today that all of these things are how my parents showed their love for us...in word and deed....
          I wanted Sam so much even knowing what the outcome could be...we both wanted him..and loved him before we even met him and knowing him now that love just continues to grow....If he knows anything in this world I want him to know that we wanted him and he is loved...Hopefully we will lead by example, but it will not be perfect...I do promise to love him perfectly until the day I leave this world.....Jer 31:3 says that God loves us with an everlasting love.....that is hard to believe, but true...I can't wait to sit and watch the rain with Sam, to go on camping trips, to watch his 1st ball game and to be on the side lines cheering him on...I want him to be all that he can be and never let anything or anyone hold him back and I want him to always remember that he was wanted and he is loved.

Like It Was Yesterday

I have to admit that I don't have the best memory. Never have, now my nephew, Cayden, he doesn't forget a thing...my poor sister, but me...I forget all the time. I think besides God's many other awesome attributes that he also has a wonderful since of humor which is why when it came to my pregnancy and Sam's birth I won't ever forget!!! I can remember like it was yesterday. This time last month I remember getting ready to go to work, big as a house , and miserable...and I have to say I was "that" chic....the angry pregnant woman and my co-workers bore the brunt of it!!!! If God had given me the ability to breath fire, there would be a lot less of my co-workers around today....anyhoo...I just remember it was about this time that the panic attacks started. I would wake up feeling like I was going to sufficate and telling George that we had to get this baby out now!!!! My poor husband...I was also going to the perinatologist every other week and the ob for a stress test. We were also getting the nursery ready and at night I would read to Sam and pray for him. I remembering asking God every night to make him into the man of God that he wants him to be and to heal his heart and please make him healthy and normal...of course I have since learned that "normal" is highly overrated and apparently subjective....who knew?? anyhoo...I couldn't wait until he got here. I was filled with excitement, nervousness, worry, ..I was scared and not sure what we were facing but here we are almost 1 year later.....God has been good to us that's not to say that I haven't yelled at God along the way,  and I haven't had the most faith, but it's all good...and in a little over a week we will be celebrating Sam's 1st birthday.....he's so awesome and I will never ever forget.....